What Are You Really Protecting?

The other night I was down at the beach playing some pickup volleyball with friends when I got into an interesting conversation with a good buddy of mine who I also play basketball with.

We started talking about how frustrated he can get when he's playing basketball and things aren't going well. Maybe he's losing, maybe he's not performing the way he knows he can, but something takes over and he gets far more upset than he wants to.

What upsets him the most isn't actually losing. It's that he knows better.

This is an accomplished athlete who has competed at a very high level. He understands the game and the mental side of performance. He knows getting angry isn't helping him play better, and he's told himself plenty of times that he's not going to react that way anymore.

Then it happens again. I think almost all of us have some version of this.

Maybe yours isn't sports. Maybe your partner says something and suddenly you're defensive or angry. Maybe someone at work gives you feedback and, despite knowing they're trying to help, you immediately feel attacked.

Then afterwards, when the emotion has passed, you wonder why the hell you did it again.

You Can't Think Your Way Out of Everything

Most of us try to change ourselves through logic. We identify the behaviour, decide we don't like it, tell ourselves what we're going to do differently next time, and assume that because we understand the problem, we should be able to fix it.

If it were that easy, we'd all be very different people.

Real change often has to reach below the logical mind because so much of our behaviour is automatic. Over years of experience, we develop patterns around what feels familiar, what feels threatening, and how we respond when certain emotions show up. Our unconscious mind likes predictability because predictable feels safe. It knows the territory.

The problem is that familiar and healthy are not the same thing.

You can stay in a relationship dynamic that makes you miserable because it's familiar. You can become defensive every time someone challenges you because you've spent years protecting yourself that way. You can attach your worth to achievement and spend decades chasing the next win because somewhere along the way you learned that performing was how you earned approval.

None of these patterns have to be good for you for your mind to keep repeating them. They simply have to be known.

That's why telling yourself, I'm not going to get angry next time, often doesn't do shit. You're trying to use logic to overpower something that may have been operating underneath the surface for decades.

If you actually want to change the reaction, eventually you have to get curious about what's underneath it.

The Hidden Weight Behind the Outcome

This brings us back to my friend's frustration.

On the surface, it's easy to say, It's just basketball. Who cares? He knows that. Telling him not to care isn't particularly useful.

The better question is: Why does losing or not performing in that moment carry so much weight?

Maybe losing doesn't simply mean that the other team scored more points. Maybe losing means, I'm not as good as I thought I was. If that's the answer, don't stop there. Ask yourself what it would mean if that were actually true.

Maybe the next answer is, I'm not as capable as I thought I was. Keep going. What would that mean?

Eventually, you might get to something that has very little to do with basketball at all. Maybe it's I'm not enough. Maybe it's People won't respect me if I'm not successful. Maybe it's I'm not becoming the man I thought I would become.

Now we're getting somewhere.

The game isn't necessarily the problem. The game may simply be exposing something that's already there.

Find Your Version of It

Think about something in your own life that consistently gets under your skin. Don't pick some philosophical issue. Pick something real that repeatedly causes you to react in a way you don't like.

Maybe it's losing. Maybe it's criticism from your boss, rejection, money, your partner questioning you, your business struggling, or feeling like someone doesn't respect you.

Now ask yourself:

If this happened, what would it mean about me?

Take whatever answer comes up and ask:

And if that were true, what would that mean?

Then keep going.

Don't give yourself the polished answer. Don't write what you think you're supposed to believe. Nobody else needs to see this. The whole point is to get underneath the story you've learned to tell yourself and find the one you might actually be living from.

Eventually, you'll probably hit something that has more emotional weight than the situation you started with. That's usually where the real work begins.

And nobody else can do this part for you.

Someone can ask you questions, challenge you, or hold up a mirror, but they can't tell you what you're protecting. The answer has to be discovered, not given to you.

What If You Had Nothing to Prove?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to win. There's nothing wrong with ambition, building a successful business, becoming great at something, having an incredible relationship, or expecting more from yourself.

I actually think we need more men who give a shit about their lives.

But there's a massive difference between wanting to achieve something and needing the achievement to prove who you are.

When winning proves you're enough, losing becomes unbearable. When money proves you're successful, financial setbacks become attacks on your identity. When your partner's approval proves you're lovable, disagreement starts feeling like rejection.

That's the hidden weight.

The answer isn't to kill your ambition or pretend you don't care. It's to remove some of the psychological baggage your ambition has been forced to carry.

Imagine pursuing the same goals, competing just as hard, building just as much, and risking just as boldly, but knowing that the outcome doesn't get to decide your worth.

You have everything to play for without your identity being on the line every time you step onto the court of life.

This Is the Work

This is a big part of what we do at The Balanced Man. We're not sitting around telling men what's wrong with them or handing out answers about how they should live their lives.

You already have far more of those answers inside you than you probably realize.

What most of us don't have is enough space to slow down, challenge the patterns we've been repeating for years, and have people around us who are willing to ask the questions we normally avoid.

That's the work.

If this speaks to something you're experiencing in your own life, we're gathering again in Costa Rica October 17–24, and we still have a few spots available for the next Balanced Man Retreat.

Until then, pay attention the next time you have a reaction that seems bigger than the situation in front of you. Instead of immediately blaming the person, the game, the loss, or the circumstance, get curious about what it's touching underneath.

Because sometimes the thing you're fighting so hard against isn't what you're actually afraid of losing.