Triggers Don’t Hurt You, They Reveal You

We had a call this week with the men from our last retreat. Its an importunity for us to connect and see whats coming up for guys post retreat. There can be some big shifts when you go back into your daily lives, specially when you are stepping into a new version of yourself.

At some point, the conversation shifted toward triggers. Everyone had examples. Something their partner said that rubbed them the wrong way. Someone's tone at work that resonated longer than it should have. Something minor but compounded a larger reaction.

We all talked about our triggers like most people do. Something negative.

Something outside of us.

Something someone else does to you.

But in sharing the things that frustrated us, we realized a deeper level emerged, one that felt more honest, and frankly, more useful.

What if triggers aren’t just problems to get rid of?

What if they’re actually a doorway into the way you actually see yourself?

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Why Triggers Don't Come Only From “Bad” Experiences

I started thinking about this after our call, triggers don’t only come from criticism. They also come from praise.

Think about it. Somebody says, “You did an amazing job today.” “That was incredible, you helped me so much.”

Something happens in your being. There's a lift. You light up. There's a recognition. An emotional reaction just as real as the one that comes from an insult.

So why do we resent one but welcome the other?

Why is criticism received as a threat but praise received as a gift?

It doesn't matter if it's positively oriented or negatively charged. It's irrelevant. What's relevant is what it touches within us.

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What Makes Something Triggering

Let's say someone walked up to you and said, "You have three heads."

You wouldn't say, "How dare you!" You wouldn't be embarrassed. You wouldn't have to be defensive or retract it in your mind later on. You'd probably laugh at the absurdity and move on because there's nothing within you that suggests it could be true.

You don’t question it.

Now, say someone comes up to you and calls you lazy, selfish, useless, incompetent, untrustworthy. Note how your body cringes.

How your mind gets active.

How old memories of the past come to the surface.

And now you are defending yourself, and doing everything in your power to prove them wrong.

Yet, the difference between these two situations isn’t the intention of the other person. In both cases, they’re just making a statement. The difference is the degree of identification inside you.

When there’s no part of you that believes the statement, it passes right through. When there is a part of you that still questions it, the statement hooks in.

That’s where the trigger lives.

A trigger doesn't mean someone hurt you; it means something they said touched within you that which is unresolved. Where there are still negotiations about your self identify from past narratives or old stories from when you were younger.

This is powerful because it changes the question entirely.

The question isn’t “How do I stop getting triggered?”

The question is “What does this response teach me about how I still see myself?”

When your self-concept is solid, other people's feedback doesn't matter; when it's still developing, their words affect you.

This doesn't make you weak; it makes you human.

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Why Being ‘Unbothered’ Is Not the Answer

A lot of personal growth advice encourages us to rise above triggers. We shouldn't care what anyone has to say; we should grow a thick skin. Yet often this leads to suppression; we act like something doesn't bother us while quietly continues to shape your behavior beneath the surface.

That's not awareness; that's avoidance.

It's not about being someone who never reacts; it's about being someone who can see their reactions without judgment for what they point toward.

Triggers are thresholds, they show you where an outdated self remains and begs for acknowledgment, compassion, and ultimately release.

There's power in distinction here. When someone tells you that you have one head, you don't believe it, you know it. There's nothing to defend. It needs no recognition.

However, beliefs are flimsy, they can be challenged, controversial and they need protection.

What most of us are protecting when we get triggered isn't truth, it's belief.

Belief in who we are and what we deserve, how we value ourselves and what we deem worthy of acknowledgment. But the strength we crave actually comes from somewhere deeper, it doesn't come from confidence or self-esteem, both of which are situational.

It comes from awareness, from being present enough to notice what's going on inside before we're quick to label it, get judgy about it, or turn it into a story.

Presence notices praise without swelling.

Presence notices criticism without collapsing.

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Why Triggers Become Problems When Viewed as Such

The goal of life isn't for you to reach a place where nothing affects you, that is unrealistic.

Instead, the goal is to meet triggers with curiosity instead of resistance.

If something lands heavily on you instead of thinking “Why did they say that?” why not think, “What part of me still thinks this is true?”

Because the sooner you step fully into a new self identity aligned with who you've become, the sooner you're able to shed an outdated identity waiting in limbo for defense.

Triggers illuminate exactly where that identity lives.

And when it's clear, there's a softening of reaction and a loosening of response and the story loses its grip.

People don't hurt us by judging us; they activate judgments we've projected onto ourselves already.

Where there is inner knowing, words pass through without sticking. Where there is doubt, they penetrate.

So instead of trying to eliminate triggers, what if you treated them as signals? Invitations to return to a deeper sense of self that doesn’t need admiration or approval to exist.

Not because we're better than anyone else.

But because we're finally standing in something that doesn't need defending.

And that's not earned.

It's something you remember.