The Conversations You Avoid Are Running Your Life

There’s a kind of running that most men never talk about.

It’s not running from responsibility, ambition, or effort. Most of the men we work with are already more than willing to bear the brunt of such burdens. They show up. They put in the work. They provide. They push through.

This is a different type of running, more subtle in nature.

It’s the kind that happens when a conversation needs to happen, but doesn’t. When something sits tight in the chest, but gets pushed down for the sake of peace and avoiding that uncomfortable feeling, we envision happening.

Weeks can pass, holding it locked in, which inevitably turns into months and quietly becomes years.

I’ve done this more times than I’d like to admit. It always starts as the simplest thing, but we ignore it, let it slide this time, and play it safe to make others feel comfortable in our own mind.

When men stop avoiding conversations, their whole life starts to shift and change course.

Not dramatically at first. Very subtly. Then, unmistakably.

Avoidance doesn't create peace; it creates a burden that he chooses to carry.

And yet, he thinks he is avoiding conflict, yet he is only building it internally.

He thinks he’s being gracious, patient, or mature by just letting it go.

What he’s actually avoiding is clarity.

Unsaid things don’t disappear. They build. They fester. They show up as tension in your body, irritability in little moments, emotional distance in relationships, and a constant low-grade anxiety that never turns off when you are with that person.

I can’t tell you how many versions of this I’ve heard:

• “I didn’t want to make a thing out of it; it's really not that big of a deal."
• “It just didn’t feel like it was the right moment."
• “I didn’t want to make it awkward.”

The intent is understandable. It’s just that the outcome is always the same.

You carry what wasn’t said. You replay the conversation in your head even though it never happened. You start managing people instead of relating to them, and slowly but surely, without even realizing it, you build a whole life around avoidance.

Avoidance feels safe at first. But it’s one of the most draining ways to live over time.

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Why Most Men Avoid Conversations Has Little to Do With The Conversation Itself

Having the awareness to see this, in myself and in other men, we are rarely avoiding the actual situation.

We’re avoiding the version of ourselves who would need to show up, if we had that conversation. And that takes an identity shift that most men aren’t aware of.

Hard conversations ask something of us. They require us to be present while uncomfortable feelings move through the room. They ask us to be honest without being an asshole, firm without falling apart, and seen without any idea how the other person will respond.

For many men, that's too risky when life is too uncertain already

And somewhere along the line in our earlier years, we learn lessons on how to express ourselves. We learn that silence maintains a balance. We learn that honesty can lead to rejection. And expressing desires can make us needy. So we adapt. We become accommodating. We become passive aggressive or even sarcastic in the moment. We become good at managing our outer world, while quietly abandoning our inner one and our true voice.

Over time, it stops being a strategy and becomes an identity. “I’m just not a confrontational guy.” “I don’t like drama.” “I’d rather let things go.”

But what actually gets let go of is our self-respect.

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What Actually Changes When You Start Speaking Clearly

When a man finally starts speaking about things that he’s been holding back for years, his life doesn’t magically improve.

But it does get uncomplicated.

Relationships don’t feel like emotional Rubik’s cubes that need constant interpreting. Boundaries don’t need defending because they’re communicated clearly. Tension that used to hang out in the background finally gets a chance to clear itself. And those internal conversations you have in your head start to disappear, because you say them out loud.

I’ve watched this play out in real time. The moment a man says something he’s been avoiding for years, his posture changes. His breath slows down. His nervous system recalibrates. Not because the outcome is certain, but because he’s finally released the weight of avoiding the one thing he’s wanted to say for so long. But just didn’t have the courage to do it.

Clarity is freeing, even when it’s uncomfortable.

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As Carl Jung so aptly wrote:

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”

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When you stop avoiding conversations with others, you not only change your relationship with them, but also with yourself.

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The Internal Shift Most Men Don’t Expect

Every avoided conversation sends one quiet signal:

I don’t trust myself to handle this.

Over time, it builds up.

Men who habitually avoid saying what’s on their mind lose faith in themselves in all sorts of ways, from small moments to big life choices. They second-guess themselves. They hesitate. They find themselves complaining about situations they’ve created by saying nothing.

Men who speak up, even if imperfectly, place trust in themselves. They know this isn't a life-or-death situation.

And they recover from discomfort faster.

They become less tentative in the world because they know how to stand in their own truth, without the armor. And that brings a knowingness, regardless of how other people respond.

This isn’t about being aggressive or projecting onto other people.

This is about honing a skill that changes how you show up in the world for yourself.

Avoiding conversations doesn’t spare you pain.

It delays it, spreads it throughout your life in a quieter but more corrosive way.

The moment you start telling your truth, calmly and without performance, your world starts clearing itself up.

Your relationships either deepen or dissolve. The stress of the moment softens, and decisions become much easier. Your internal landscape is less cluttered with “what if” stories.

Most men think communication is an external issue.

It’s not.

It’s an internal challenge you face when you finally stop abandoning yourself in the moments that really matter the most.

So I’ll leave you with this simple question: “Who are you avoiding the conversation with?”

-Ahren

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