We just wrapped up our November retreat, and it was a much needed opportunity to slow down and reflect on what’s actually important. As we talked, something kept showing up.
Most of the tension or frustration we have in our lives comes from thinking things should be a certain way.
Specifically, the right way to us.
I used to think that the need to be right was a personality thing.
Some people are just stubborn.
Some people are flexible.
That's all there is to it.
But the more I started to become aware of myself, to the other men around me, to how people argue in relationships, I started to realize that this need to be right isn't random.
It's deeper.
It's older.
And it creates far more tension than we're comfortable admitting because when you dig beneath the surface, it's not about being right.
It's about control.
And control is but an illusion we cling to when things feel precarious.
Where the Need To Be Right Actually Comes From
Once you start unpacking it, it makes total sense: as children, being right kept us safe and out of trouble.
Your worldview is built upon whatever kept you alive:
- The beliefs your parents found favorable
- The ideas your teachers encouraged
- The rules that established peace in your household
- The experiences where disagreement led to chaos
So you learn, without consciously choosing it, that alignment to certain "truths" is what keeps life safe and predictable.
Your brain records that information as The Way Things Are.
Move forward to adulthood and most of us are walking around defending a worldview created by our 10-year-old selves.
That worldview becomes the lens through which we see everything.
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How This Shows Up in Real Life
Think about a moment recently where you dug your heels in, even though a part of you knew you were pushing too hard. A tense conversation with your partner.
A disagreement with a friend over basketball.
A work debate that didn't matter nearly as much as you made it matter.
Rewind it back for a moment, it wasn’t the topic you were defending.
It was yourself.
Being right made you stable.
Being wrong made you feel as if the ground was shifting beneath your feet.
In reality, most of us don't fear being wrong. We fear what being wrong means about us, and that's the part that goes unacknowledged.
Being "Right" Keeps Our Identity Intact
Every belief we cling onto reinforces the narrative of who we think we are.
"I'm logical."
"I'm capable."
"I'm a good person."
"I'm in control."
"I see clearly."
So when someone challenges your perspective, your brain doesn't say:
"He sees it differently."
It hears:
"Your reality may not be real."
"Your identity may be flimsy."
"You may not be who you think you are."
And that's terrifying, because when you're established one way for so long and if you admit that you're wrong, everything is turned upside down.
That's chaos. You lose more than an argument.
You lose certainty.
You lose the pretense that things are under control. You lose the protection your worldview has provided to keep you safe, ever since you were a child.
So you fight.
Irresponsibly most times.
Not because you have to win, but because losing means demolishing the very architecture of your internal world.
"The tighter a man tries to cling to his own viewpoint, the tighter it clings to him."
The Blind Spot
The problem of needing to be right blinds us to other perspectives, we forget that others aren't watching the same film we are; they had different parents.
Different rules.
Different experiences.
Different wounds.
Different definitions of "normal."
They're not pushing against you. They're advocating for their worldview, just like you're advocating for yours, but when we get blinded by being right, we fail to get curious.
We fail to ask questions.
We fail to attempt understanding.
We fail to imagine that someone else had an experience as real as ours.
We move through life assuming our perspective is the only one that makes sense and everyone else is misinformed, illogical, emotional or "just doesn't get it."
It's lonely.
And it destroys connection long before we realize it.
Letting Go of Being Right
You don't lose power by letting go. You gain it. And the one who's not afraid of being wrong becomes unshakeable.
Curious instead of defensive.
Open instead of rigid.
Connected instead of combative.
And ironically, that kind of man ends up seeing things much more clearly than the man who's always trying to "win." When you're not defending some flimsy worldview, you're allowed to learn.
To grow.
To change your mind.
To breathe.
Then suddenly:
- conversations become easier
- relationships soften
- tension melts
- your nervous system stops clenching
- you stop feeling responsible for every disagreement
- you stop taking conflict as an assault on your identity
And then you realize something big: being right was never the goal in the first place.
Being real was.
That doesn't make your perspective any less important, but it at least makes space for other truths and realities alongside it. The need to be right isn't a flaw, it's a defense mechanism that kept you safe once and limits you now.
When you finally let go of the need to be right, you don't lose certainty, you lose the illusion of control and what you gain is much more powerful:
Clarity.
Connection.
Honesty.
Freedom in seeing yourself and others without armor.
That's where real strength lives, NOT in being right, but in being open to what is.
Written By
Ahren Cadieux
Ahren is the Co-Founder of The Balanced Man, and is passionate about exploring mindset, personal growth, and the power of brotherhood.
